Shame has been labelled and categorised in many ways in the literature. As a psychotherapist and researcher, for me, the most significant aspect of shame is that it is overwhelmingly painful and therefore avoided. For my MSc dissertation in psychotherapy last year, I chose to explore contained, hidden shame among Irish women in the 1990s. Lisa Etherson (2023) asserts that to avoid the unbearable sensation of uncontained shame, we contain our shame via shame containment strategies.
I conducted a discourse analysis of 15 letters written by Irish women to author and broadcaster Nuala O’Faolain after the publication of her memoir Are You Somebody? (1996). O’Faolain candidly shared her experiences of growing up and working in Dublin, detailing accounts of child neglect, sexual abuse, alcoholism, domestic abuse while living in an oppressive, patriarchal culture under the ‘surveillance’ of the catholic church. The memoir was described as ‘tearing open Irish society at the time’ due to O’Faolain’s unflinchingly honest description of her life at a time when such topics were certainly taboo. She received thousands of letters from all across the world from men and women mostly in gratitude and praise of her honesty and openness. Utilising the framework of Etherson’s Shame Containment Theory the study involved tracking and tracing evidence of contained, hidden shame within the discourses.
The main discursive themes that were uncovered were ‘silence’ and the concept of ‘self-effacement’. Silence came across as a normalized part of Irish society and manifested in secrets, both openly shared and implied, as well as barriers to speaking out and opening up, such as perceived lack of courage, having no one to talk to and lack of understanding of why they were feeling as they did. Self-effacement was uncovered via idealisation of Nuala O’ Faolain, with letter writers placing themselves as inferior, unworthy and O’Faolain as the superior, omniscient, trusted other, amidst a lack of such a figure in Ireland at the time. Self-protection from expected shame came across in discourses of self-dismissal and self-deprecation, in order to manage and lower O’Faolain’s expectations of them due to fear of judgement. Shame containment strategies such as avoidance, denial, anger and sarcasm were evidenced within metaphors, indirect sentences, and avoidance of the ‘I’ pronouns. The importance of recognition of shame via shame containment strategies for psychotherapists was highlighted, particularly in light of a shame-laden cultural background.
Engaging in the research process was personally challenging, as I identified my own shame containment strategies in those of the letter-writers. In hindsight, to contain my own shame, I found myself ‘hiding behind’ academic writing on shame, rather than incorporating this work to strengthen my voice. Using my own voice felt exposing and shaming. Integrating my own argument, which my supervisor consistently and rightly asked of me, felt torturous and excruciating. This was certainly my shame – but I got through it. I firmly believe an infestation of mice in my house, which left me paralyzed with fear the week before my thesis submission, was a numbing agent that got me over the line!
I’m currently in the process of publishing a paper on my thesis findings. I honestly felt the hard bit was over, yet my resistances are returning even stronger than before. It feels like an inflammation, a wall of fire. Publication means exposure and it also means achieving a level of success. My harsh inner-critic is already whispering ‘who do you think you are?’ I can visualise it; its narrowing eyes glaring down at me, with folded arms and a look of disdain. I know it’s my shame trying to protect me, telling me to stay small and hidden, that it’s safer that way. I know it’s shame and attachment theory coming into play, my entrenched strategies from early childhood still trying to protect me. But it’s visceral and embodied. It’s disruptive, painful, upsetting and distressing.
Psychotherapy is awash with shame training which is positive. Yet, as the focus on shame can be theoretical, there is potential to miss the point. Shame is embodied, painful and therefore avoided. I believe that being aware and curious about our own resistances is the starting point to changing our relationship with our shame.
In a country where incarceration of unmarried pregnant women and mothers was acceptable, where contraception, divorce, and abortion were illegal, and where historically women became the ‘shame containers’ of Ireland, we are left with a painful legacy.
There is very little research specific to shame among Irish women, and virtually none in the field of psychotherapy. I have an acute sense why that is the case. Most shame containment strategies are unconscious. I will endeavour to make the unconscious conscious by utilising the valuable and invaluable work already carried out on this topic. Writing and sharing this is already helping.
Ann-Marie Coen, Dublin City University
4th March 2025
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
